Trees and stuff

I'm back, although to be honest i don't think anyone noticed i was gone. Have been for a bit of r and r at my mum's, in the country. Lashings of fresh air, lots of nature, spotted, one heron, two hawks, one red kite, lots of tropical butterflies, one donkey, one lama, ponies galore, two wallabies, two goats, pigs with piglets, numerous seals, lots of horses one dolphin (which i am very smug about) and more sheep and cows than you could eat in a lifetime. It was nice. Good to see my mum, and sister and it turns out her boyfriend isn't the complete twat i had him down for, -quite sweet infact.
Aside from that, think i did a good job of pissing off all the smokers of the world last week, don't mind that much, apart from one person, so here especially for her is my new analagy about smoking, well sort of. Its not that i think your choice to smoke means that you don't care about everything i've just been through, its just...you know when you see the telly appeal for the starving children in africa and then you sit down to eat and some snot faced little rat bag, possibly, no probably mine, refuses to eat because its been cut up the wrong way or the sauce is mixed in to the pasta, its sort of like that. Oh god i'm making no sense, it made sense in my head, i doubt i've made things any better. Giving up now......
Oh yes and .......nits again, need i say more.

Oopps I forgot to mention, that was me, in my operation, want to see more?

Want to see something gross? WARNING NOT FOR THE SQUEMISH

Another of those moments, and a fag.

Yet again i found myself in tears randomly, well a bit randomly. Smoking. Yes, once upon a time I did smoke, on and off for a few years, this is never something i've denied. But this is not merely the rant of an ex-smoker(apparently we are the worst), but some one who knows just how shit it is to go through cancer, and you would think, my friends and family just having stood witness to the hell that was the big C, so to speak, would feel slightly inclined to cut down, or may I suggest have the consideration not to smoke around me, at least until the horror of the past five months has subsided somewhat, or god forbid, they could give up. You would think one of your best mates getting cancer would be motivation enough to stop pumping your body full of carcenegens. At one point I mentioned that if i won the lottery i would pay them to give up, this went down well, "oh i'll give up for a million quid" but not for your health?! I know i'm being unfair, I know its an addiction, I know some people find it harder to stop than others, I didn't find it hard, it just seems like when you pick up your baccy to make a rolly and see the words "SMOKING CAUSES LUNG CANCER" or "SMOKING IS HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH" and you think fuck it, never mind and smoke your cigarette any way, there is apart of you saying, it can't be that bad, cancers alright, nothing to worry about, in a strange way belittling everything a person with cancer has to struggle through. I am well aware i'm being far from rational, it just makes me cross. I'm not blaming the smokers of the world for my cancer, its true it could have a defective gene, a free radical, hot baths, to much red wine, car fumes, a dodgy pot noodle, almost anything, the list could go on forever. And yet why when something is clearly so bad, and not just for you for those around you, for your kids, for the enviroment, (i presume) just, WHY? Why smoke?

smells

They say that smell is the most evocative of all your senses, it stirs dormant memories, scents can transport you back in time, -sandalwood incense and I'm fifteen listening to dark lyrics in a dimly lit bedroom, I smell hugo boos and i look around expecting to see a rugged ex boyfriend and it turns out the smell of our car makes me think of velindre. I haven't been in our car for ages, we'e not really car people, and admitly my husbands driving makes me nervous, for no reason other than he's a new driver I hasten to add. So i open the car door to bundle the children's car seats in and it hits me, a smell that i assicoiate only with trips back and forth to radiotherapy, and desperatly trying not to vomit, instantly the familar wave of naseua that has subsided of late, rises up again from the pit of my stomach, as the car smell penetrates my nostrils i feel sicker and sicker. And then the tears come. Have you ever read perfume? One of my favorites.

the world wide web the dark side.

finally put thst letter verification thingy on, to stop getting shit anoying computer generated comments. After my intial outraged i realised that the pro-ana comment was also a computer generated message. Had previously thought that these things responded to key words, but this apparently responded to the image i inserted in to my blog. was it the fact that it was a slightly disturbing image that prompted the controversial pro-ana comment? Does this then mean if i were to post an image of my kids play in the bath that this would be viewed as an open invitation to recieve comments and links dragging me into the sick and twisted world of internet peadophilia? i'm left more than a little disturbed by this.

Getting better

hey, how goes it big wide world? sorry no posts for a while, in fact for the past few months i've been rubbish, and have not been blogging my journey each step of the way. In my defence radiotherapy throws you in to a horrible state of apathy and deppression, leaving you in a permant state of "can't be arsed-ness". I've finished though! whoo hoo! i'm still absolutely shattered, and feel like i have to drag my body out of bed, off the sofa, out the house, the only difference being i actually want to get out of bed and get on with my life. My insides still feel as though they have been balled out with an ice-cream scoop, but i no longer smell like a festering carcass, nor does my stomach resemble the pallied, grey and rotting flesh of a zombie, i just look like a burn victim, with my skin still peeling off like papyrus. Believe it or not, i actually feel ALOT better.
With out wishing to sound melladramatic though, i am haunted by the ear splitting BBBEEEEEEEEPP of the radiotherapy machine, and i do feel as though the reality of what i've just been through is coming crashing down on me, forcing me to deal with my emotions, that i have to some degree been doing a mighty good job of repressing.
Neighbours is on got to go