book meme, part two.

Where did i get to, most recently read, ah ha so now we're on to favorites. I am not going to put them in order because i think its abit like asking which one of your children you love the most but here they are; "The Magus", by John Fowles, a friend (who was slightly older and a whole lot better read than me) lent it to me when i was about thirteen, it was probably my first venture in to more mature literature ( i nearly said adult literature then and that is not what i mean at all) and it was fantatastic, i literallly drank in the story. It provided me with a wonderful escape from the constraints of my own reality, (boarding school) and i just remeber feeling a huge affinity with the central character, Nicholas, ( who nic my husband is named after, not that you care) although i can't quite remeber why, as i now seem to recall he was a bit of a bastard. oh yeah and Leo i'll have my copy of that back cheers.
"Everything is illuminated" and "Extremly loud and Incredibly close", by jonathan safan foer, I love how he writes, I love how the lay out of the text is reflective of narrative. i think its great that he was couragous enough to use 9/11 as a central issue within his book. Some might consider this exploitative but as an american writer it could have spelled potential literary suicide, particuly as he used it within a fictional context.
"Sky burial" and also "The good women of China" by Xin Ran. I find China a hugely fasinating subject, it has such a dark history and a culture that is so far removed from my own cultural perspective. Xin Ran is one of the few Chinese writers whose writing allows pause for what i as a westerner would consider to be a normal emotional response. So many writers that have come out of china eitheir write of there own experiences in a very clinical and factual manner which although insightful makes for greuling reading material, or like Amy Tan they are american chinese and they refer to the attrocities in china's history with revulsion rathar than understanding and compassion. Xin Ran seems to find this balance easily, and she offers honest insights into the lifes of chinese women, with out portraying them to be one dimensional charaters. Can i have one more? Perfume, by someone i can't remember. Fantastic, horribly dark and yet utterly beautiful all at once, very evocative. And everyone should read the bang bang club, -we can't ignore to the horrors of this world, just because they are in the past.
And finally i know i've used up my five and more but i can't not say it "Harry Potter" by j k Rowling, I'm not about to tell you why its worth a read, if you were going to you would have done by now.

Once again i have been leting the side down on the blogging front, whoops. I have just been slightly distarcted mostly i've been writing legnthy emails to old friends who have recently"crawled out the wood work" so to speak. Its terribly nice all these people reappearing in my life, and its making me consider searching for a few more, namely a particular ex boyfriend, but i can't decide if that would be weird. Would it seem like i was being, you know that girlfriend, you know the one, the one from your boyfriends past that you can't stand, she phones him occasionally and they go for a drink and reminiss and you know- we girls DO know these things, that she's still in love with him and secretly wants his babies and it took her three days worth of getting ready just to meet him in the bloody railway for a watered down flat pint of Carling. I would like to stress at this point I AM NOT THAT GIRLFRIEND. I'm just nosy, and would enjoy the oppurtunity to be slightly smug about my life. Is any of this a good idea?
Other thingsthe social worker came round the other day, and yes i know that makes me sound a bit like a character from "shameless", but dispite my neorosis that because my house was not immaculate, my children were going to be placed upon the at risk register, this was not the case. She was lovely and dispelled all of the stereotypes to which I had been subscibing. Anyway my point was not too wax lyrical about the nice people from velindre, but when chatting with the social worker lady we talked about this, my blog. She seemed very interested, and asked if i would be comfortable with her possibly passing this address on to others in simalar circumstance to my own. Of course not i replied, as this was the very point of this for me, to find others in the same boat, further understand the diagonisis, possibly hear a few sucsess stories to boost my moral and prahaps offer a little insight in to this fairly treacherous journey. So I guess i should talk more about the experience of having cancer. It just seems wrong to whinge about it now, because i guess hopefully anyway, that i don't have cancer any more so i should be grateful and get over it. I know that this isn't rational, I have every right to still be struggling, i'm still very much embroiled in it all, whta with radiotherapy starting next week. THere is a lot of guilt that goes hand in hand with this, guilty for being emotional,guilty for not being able to give the kids the same level of focus i did prior to my op, due to depleted energy levels, guilt that i can't lift them or anything so i require alot of support from others, guilty that nic is exhausted because he needs to carry the bulk of responsibilities at home. I know i'm not responsible for this but that doesn't help alleavate my guilt.I feel like i'm being indulgent and an irresposible parent if i need time out from the kids, because they've worn me out, I hate that nic can never and will never understand how this feels any of it all the empathy in the world can not allow him to step in to my shoes to understand what this is doing to me. i have to go, b is not well

gross stuff

I’ve just been watching a particularly graphic bbc programme about people having new and ground breaking surgeries. Although after ten minutes of ogoling at their brain being dissected, I was upset when the patient came round to find they were seven years old, and to see the poor kid clearly in pain, but that I was really into it. Yes I am horribly macabre. And it got me thinking about my operation. Something I have only briefly refered to here. I had them take photograph during the surgery but I am yet to receive them. Ideally I would have liked to see the whole thing filmed, and then had opportunity to view the stuff they’d taken out afterwards and probably to give it a poke as well, wibble wobble jelly on a plate and all that.

sorry i'm late,

i feel as though i have been letting the side down of late, its not that i have been intentionally abstaining from blogging, simply i haven't had a lot to say. Which is slightly biazzare as it has been an eventful week, I GOT THE ALL CLEAR! Sort of, i still need radiotherapy, as they didn't remove enough tissue around it simply because there wasn't enough tissue to remove. Now i should be over the moon, elated, on cloud nine etc, etc, but i'm not and i'm concerned i'm a bit weird for not feel a huge overwhelming sense of relive. Everyone keeps phoning up congratulating me, I mean "congratulations"? its not like i passed my driving test or did something to be proud of, its not something i achieved all on my own, by that token its my fault it sodding grew there in the first place. And then aftre they've congratulated me they ask "how do you feel? You must be so pleased..." and then i have to do this big gushy thing, how wonderful it is, how a weight has been lifted, yada yada. Its like faking an orgasm. I don't feel like that, i still have a million questions to ask, loads of concerns, new things pop into my head all the time, i want them to double check its gone and then check again, and prahaps i could have a ct scan machine(i'm getting braver about these) installed in my living room so i could check for my self when ever i'm worried. And then i need them to promise its never coming back ever again, because medical journalson the internet keep on telling me its likely to reoccur. And yes i have fallen in to that trap, searching for answers and diagonaises on the bloody internet, which i have come to understand to playground to exploitative, sadist bastards who no i don't believe can cure my cancer at $29.99 u.s. fucking dollars, i think i'll keep my money thanks. Am i odd for not being on top of the world, its not pessimism or at least i don't think its, just tentative caution prahaps. What it means for me immediatly is radiotherapy aside no more lying there at the mercy of every one else, no more feel vunerable whilst giant machines appear to gorge themselves on my body slowly sliding me in to their huge mouths.
And thats the other thing i agreed to have this whole thing photo doucumented and although many of the images are haunting and chilling, (gary- you have reems of talent adn improve with every shutter snap) i seem emotionless, on seeing the photos you might describe my disposition as stoical, i'm not bloody stotical in the slightest i'm just holding my breath and not really thinking about this, if i do i can't breath, i'm drowning gasping for air, panicking, and my haed's about to explode. Just because i seem blazay doesn't mean its not hard, i'm not brave i haven't been brave but you can't stop living and give yourself over to being scared. I've grieved, i've greived for my self, and i'm ashamed for that, i've lost people i' ve loved and yet i cried harder for myself that i did for any of them. why i am i talking about this, i don't have cancer ny more. I did consider changing the name of my blog but whether i have cancer or not it doesn't change the fact that cancer is crap. I am apparently going to be famously quoted on this but being given the all clear is not unlikke the feeling of finishing your gcse's once its done its over.
i seem to have lost my thread and just ranted, i must sound so ungrateful i am thanking my lucky stars, i just,......i don't know.
New topic, is 17 to young to drive i think so, your too arrogant you think your invincible and you take to many risks, it is rare to have the ability to geniuinly consider other people and therefore your not going to be a great driver, infact you will be a more dangerous driver, and for gods sake L take responsibility for your self.

Harry Potter and a dodgy day at the fair

First up,....... well i thought it was splendid, I got my copy at exactly midnight on friday night/saturday morning, and i had finished it by lunch time the following morning, i am of course talking about the latest installment of harry potter. Yes it did rely on the fact everyone who read it would have read its predessesors, and it is a prelude for the final show down, but as i am a huge fan i was not excluded nor offended by eithier of theses issues and you have to admire jk rowlings arragance, she has her audience captavated, she doesn't need to make any more money and therefore she can write exactly how she likes, no more overly simplified explainations about the wizarding world, no more regurgitating harry's history over and over, my only complaint is that they could use some more spells, really in 6 years you would think they would know more than bloody sheild charms and jelly leg jinxs. I was captivated and will wait with baited breath for the next book. I will say no more as yet on the subject as no one else has finished and i don't want to spoil it for any one, all i will say is tissues at the ready.
Strange day, trooped down to the beach with the husband and kids, and good god if you didn't look to closely you'd think you were at some jolly sea side restort, there were deck chairs, there was a brass band, there were children frolicking in the water, there were yauts, there was a man who had swum out as for as the end of the pier. I just don't understand how people can confuse scummy penarth "beach" with well some where nice, that you might consider for a day trip, i mean the guy who swam out to the end of the pier was probably admitted to hospital with viles diease early this evening and the children frolicking int the water probably splashed on to the beach to ask mummy what that funny looking fish that floated past was, at which point mummy packed up the picnic and shoood the kids in to the car, disgusted by the fact that her kids were paddling in amoungst condoms, beer cans and sanitary towels. If they want to sell penarth as an pituresque town by the blue blue sea then i really think they should make an effort to clean it up abit and not just truss it up with dodgy brass bands, which by the way were not playing oh i do like to be beside the sea side and other merry tunes but mournful shcool orchestra stuff. any way on the way home more of a trudge by now not a troop, and spy a bouncy castle in the kymin, further investigation tells us there is also to be cakes and stall etc, free admission to all, so in we go to entertain b for awhile on the bouncy castle. VERY STRANGE, cheery violin musics lots of precocious childern adn union jack bunting, Mayor sat there in shiny necklace or at least the shiny necklace led me to belive he was, kind of intimate garden party atmosphere very penarthian, yet no friendly smiles in our direction, the whole thing is becoming more surreal by the minute, b finallyclimbs on the bouncy castle, some otheer child bounces on with face paint, fair enough, then i notice that face paint is writing, again fair enough, on friday night most people collecting hp had something scrawled across there face's Dumbledore or you know who etc, but no this child has Immanuel written across his head, it would seem we had stumbled in to church fate, but no whole some old lady type church fate, a born again cult type scenario, complete with brainwashed children and beaded i love jesus necklaces. A hasty exit was indeed called for, acosted upon exit and have leaflet thrust upon me but apart for that escape relitivle unscathed, thank god if you'll pardon the pun, i'm am not about to begin a lengthy discussion on the exsitance of God, but i find it it far healthier to see a kid with harry potter written on its spam than God, or jesus or something, children should find there own heros, and i don't think a three year old who has immanuel for face paint has been brought up with an freedom of choice. I don't quite know what i'm trying to say, i'm too tired now, I've lost my thread i was disturbed is all. Kids should be kids. write fimbles across your head, or be a pirate, or a tiger, don't use the innocent faces of children as abillboard for yor faith.

hello, how is the world at large? I am not entirly sure how i am, i've had my lump results sort of, my cancer is low grade which is very good news but i'm not cracking the champange just yet, i just don't want ot count my chickens, i have a dreaded ct scan on monday and a bone scan, and its not until all of those results comeback clear that i will breath that sigh of relief. Today's consultation was just to vague, i need some conclusive answers as to what my continuing treatment if any will be, hopefully my onocologist will explain everything in lay mans terms next week.
On to cheerier things, my dog did her best homeward bound impression today, a knocking at our letterbox led us to open the front door to peer out expecting to be annoyed by scally kid and its munky! she had done a runner from friend were she was staying, tahnk goodness she wasn't hit by a car as dispite being a prize escape artist she is not bloody street wise.
Mums fifthtyeth b'day tomorrow and harry potter, i can barely contain my excitment.

very tired, and lice free

i wasn't going to discuss my headlice, but as chloe has broadcast to the world that there has been an incident i'll indulge in a little rant, first off i would like to say that i feel uttterly disgusting and revolted at the thought of the little buggers running around on mine, my husbands and my eldest sons heads, the thought off them reproducing and having family fucking outing on my head, also i feel shame as though contracting the bloody things were some how a reflection on my parenting. These feelings i consider to be normal responses to the scenario, surly all mothers feel like this, WELL APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT. i except that once your children go to school it is an inescapable issue, but that does not mean you give up caring, CONSTANT VIGILANCE. some one and it is my belief i know it was but we will not name and shame, has not been bloody vigilant enough. i thought i ahd til september before this itchy problem would arise but apparently not. enough said, i'm just annoyed and justly so.

Nits aside, i'm shattered and b leapt on me earlier and swung on my neck and now my weird mesh thing feels strained and my stitchs hurt, oh well hospital appointment tomorrow anyway, its a big one. i think hospitals should have a loyalty points system kind of like a boots card and you earn points by how much time and money you spend in them and then yo can redeem them for pampering spa treatments and shopping vouchers etc, that would be nice wouldn't it i'd have loads of points by now.

i will finish my book thing i just can't decide what my favorites are and i'm holding out for harry potter 6 in the hope it will live up to expectation and really will be the best book i ever read.

nos da

a serious five minutes

i've had to come and have a sit down, i just can't cope, nic and my mum are in our postage stamp of a garden putting up a bloody marquee, it is a comedy of errors, the thing is substantially bigger than the garden itself but they are determinded to squish it in, not that i'm complaining i plan to have romatic interludes under it on warm balmy evenings guarded from the prying eyes of the neighbours. Yes chlo in the car shaped paddling pool and everything, who said kids and marriage killled romance! but watching them put it up was so funny i thought i was in danger of ruppturing a stitch, and i don't like how my balloon mesh thing in my tummy feels when i laugh eitheir its freaking me out in the same way grinding your teeth does. i'm having a moment, my body just doesn't feel mine any more, i'm all interfeared with. I can't laugh, i can't pick anything up, probably not even a pint, having a crap is a manual operation which leaves me feeling like i just gave birth and i've got rubbish tatoos for my radiotherapy on my tummy, so i'm going to look like i got attacked with a biro for ever more, and i'm not even whinging about my scar because i'm not actually that bothered by it but if i were a superficial person i bloody would be, so its a good job I'm not. end of moment, wait not quite and my shoulder has felt weird for days because my posture is all wonky and i can't stretch out to make it normal again. I just want to go to pilates and be normal and dump like evry one else frequently and without straining!!!

Book meme, or at least I intend to....

Here it is I think,
I own around about, (I'm trying to decide if I should include my children's books in this number, no I think that's probably cheating) 250ish books, God that doesn't make me look very interlectual but then you know that already. I have by the way discounted all the books in the box destined for oxfam, they are mostly books on child rearing bought for me by well intentioned relatives, suffice to say I think raising kids from books is a load of bollox and if I want advice I'll ask someone I believe to be a successful parent.

Last book I bought- the last book I bought was either SNOW by orpak someone or other, which was a fairly intense novel about Islamic fundamentalists and a suicide epidemic in poverty stricken Kars or face to face with cancer by Miriam wank head. This was the only offering Windsor bookshop (penarths only bookshop, unless you count whsmith and I don't) had and i bought it some weeks ago when attempting to empower my self using knowledge as ammunition against my cancer, and also truth be told I wanted some encouraging words from a "survivor". Well Miriam twat face, you are a C U NEXT TUESDAY. For a start Miriam whilst I don't wish to sound unsympathetic your father and husband may have had cancer but you never have so clearly you have no clue what this feels like, second of all you can not write, you are both nauseating and patronizing and thirdly you stupid bint how can you liken having a vial of blood taken for a blood test to losing a limp or breast or testicle or any other significant part of anatomy that does not replaces itself within a matter of hours! How dare you write chapters entitled the loneliness of a long illness when you have no notion of that kind of isolation. Silly silly bitch.

Anyway, last book I read, Aberystwyth mon amour, which I enjoyed, if I were in primary school I would colour in three stars. I'm relly chuffed to have found a new series to get into, I'm eagerly awaiting both terry pratchett's and

Rob rankin's next offerings having devoured all of their books over the years, not to mention of course that I tremble with trepidation at the very thought of next friday night, when i will have harry potter and the half blood prince in my clammy over excited little mits. its just nice with series' that your not met with disappointment when you come to the end of something you've been really enjoying and you close the pages on characters you've come to love, because you know that there will be another installment and that they live on so to speak. My only critism of aberystwyth mon amour is that it should have had more "in" jokes to be got only by those who have spent a substantial amount of time in wales. To be honest i would have been pleased by a bit more piss taking out of welshies, we?/they take our/themselves far to bloody seriously and i'm certain all for stamping on a little welsh elitism, there was lots of opening for a few eisteddfod related jokes, but as i discovered from a 'note about the author' it seems malcolm pryce has actually spent sod all time living in wales so missed these humorous openings within his text and probably doesn't appreciate that your stereotypical welsh bloke is a real person living in ythe valleys and not just a fictional character. I'm tired now will go to bed and think about top five books. my energy is short lived at the moment and i'm due some pain killers which wil turn me in to a non coherent rambling thing anyway so I'll stop typing, on the subject of painkillers does any one have any advice for the fact they cause serve constipation, I'm not being gross its just a query?

post operation, goodbye lump!

Post operation, Goodbye lump!

I had my operation five days ago I'm a bit sore, but lump free and hopefully cancer free.
I know its tedious but I’m going to take a brief moment to sing the praises of the doctors and nurses who’ve looked after me, I’m well aware that to those who read this blog it may seem as though I’ve done alot of whinging about the nhs, but bureaucracy aside on this occasion I have been cared for fantastically. The nurses have been so kind and compassionate, so was the anaesthetist and theatre staff when met with a crying trembling young woman who it seemed had emotionally regressed to the age of about three. My surgeon apart from being a lovely guy in whom I could instantly place my trust, has been really helpful and informative at every stage, and has the hands of an artist, for a huge and deep incision two days on my wound is marked by nothing more than a delicate line atop a fold of skin which the professor(my surgeon) himself described as mimicking the contours of the valleys and mountains. Enough sentiment, I feel. Thank you.
I have want to blog for days, but in reality I don’t think I’m very good at this, its keeping up that’s hard work, and events take their toll, and other things get priority. How ever I do wish I done this in my morphine haze if only for dramatic effect. I’m currently at home off all opiate based pain relief. I get out of breath when i stand up and walk about and i now have quasimodo's posture but hey i'll get there.
I'm thinking of suggesting a new campaign to jamie oliver, sorry jules but he's a good man to headd a crusade, Hospital food. How are you supposed to get better when all the sustanace you are offered bears no likeness to anything you have formally considered as food. i'm fairly certain that carrots that look like they've been through the dishwasher three times contain any vitamins and they definatly don't give you the abilty to see in the dark. tired of typing now bye