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well, where to begin? i'm getting married the day after tommorrow! i best not start my little rant about weddings because its not little and i'm sure its fairly nasaueating to read, suffice to say i wish we'd eloped.
also a week from today i go in to hospital for my surgury. I'm having the tumor removed together with a large portion of my stomach muscles and then a plastic mesh will be used to stop my guts spilling out, and redundant muscles from my back, will be twisted round to be used to reconstruct my stomach muscles. grim huh. about four hours on the operating table. truth be told i'm terrified, i'm scared of the pain, i can't cope with the fact that i'm going in to hospital suposedly healthy, and coming out an invalid, but my biggest fear is that i'm not going to come out at all, or rather i'll leave hospital in my box. i'm watching sex and the city, its the one where steve has cancer and the operation, its not good for me, i keeping thinking thats me next week, the fact that i know steve turns out fine and marries miranda is slightly reassuring.
i'm a pessimist so it did cross my mind when i first found my lump that it could be cancerous but after being so readily dismissed by numerous health proffesionals, having my worst fears realised came as a bit of a shock. there is things i feel i should do before my operation, just in case, but i don't want to because its so hard and i shouldn't really allow that thought to enter my consciousness. I'm done for this evening i'm too slow at typing, and i feel like i've just drivilled shit for ages.